I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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