Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
