make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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