omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Randomize
