why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
