who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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