Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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