Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
