Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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