I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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