If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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