Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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