so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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