So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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