I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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