Where did you get a picture of my penis
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
