...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
