I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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