If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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