I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I am one with the molecules
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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