Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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