I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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