Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
