I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Life is so much better after having sex.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
