I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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