I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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