We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
