Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
