The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
