Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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