It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
