Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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