i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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