and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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