Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
