No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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