I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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