I only kidnapped one of them. chill
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
