Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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