you guys were way drunker than both of me
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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