it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
