the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I fill condoms, not promises.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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