Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
