Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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