and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
