yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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