you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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