I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
