my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
i need some magic done to my vagina
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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