Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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