I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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