Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
