Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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