She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
