Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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