Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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