I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
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