Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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