Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
