mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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